Happy 24

Beauty, eh!
That's two-four, to all of you non-Canucks. Not twenty-four. *sigh* I miss two-fours.

It Just Gets Worse

I've stopped going to http://www.sophistrycoyote.blogspot.com/ to protect my sanity. That, and it's really not good for my blood pressure.

Dude, I can't read any more about this "solution to the immigration problem" thing. My head will explode with anger, and then poor Neenja will be left to clean up what grey matter I haven't already destroyed with my nasty habits.

All I have to say is, if the United States government would like more biometric data on me, considering the huge threat that I pose being a non-Mexican Canadian and all, I'd be happy to turn away, pull down my pants and the Department of Homeland Security can take an imprint of my butt-cheeks while I show them my big, fat, lily white one.

Time Needs a Disclaimer

Just like every package of cigarettes, every bottle of alcohol, Time magazine needs to warn its readers of the consequences of consumption while occupying the commode. It should read something like:

Warning: Reading Time magazine while trying to take a dump may cause serious sphincter collapse and other irreversible colon damage.

What set my anus into a tizzy? The May 14, 2007 "100 Most Influential People" issue. More specifically, it was 10 Questions for Russell Simmons. There I am, contentedly settled in, anticipating some inane insight of some one I've never even heard of before sharing something that has less relevance to the world than the lint in my navel. You know, the usual garbage on which Time insists on wasting an entire page of print.

Suddenly, my eyes fall upon this drivel, my butt-hole puckers up, and that's the end of it for me. And, now, the multitudes of you that return to this site must suffer as I have. But I warn you: do not read this if your trying to make a curly. Read on, folks. This is a verbatim quote here. Believe me, folks, I can't make this shit up:

Do you think Don Imus should have been fired? Hoziah Outland, LEBANON, PA.

The dialogue is more important than Imus. The fact that we are discussing race is inspiring. I didn't care what happened to him. What he said was hurtful: the difference between those words coming out of a rapper's mouth and his mouth is that when a rapper says them, they are not racial. If I walk up to a black man on the street and say "nigger" with a blank expression, nine times out of 10 he would hug me. That is a fact.

Then it goes on to say:

Why should we erase the word "nigger" even though it won't make a difference in the whole scene of racism? —Jose Costa in Luanda, Angola
One, we want people to understand the messages that rappers are giving on radio. Two, because my children and my parents are likely to be offended by it and this is mainstream radio.

The fact is, Mr. Simmons, you are FULL OF SHIT! Why is it that when those words come out of a rapper's mouth, it isn't racial? Why exactly? Because it is, and you are full of shit. Or, are you basing your entire premise on the notion that the majority of rappers are, in fact, of the African American persuasion - except Vanilla Ice. I wonder, would you call him a racist if he used those words. And what of the Beasty Boys?

And, why is it exactly that a black man would hug you for calling him a "nigger?" Well, I would have to assume that it's because he probably knows who the hell you are and figures he can probably gain something from the transgression. That, and because you are FULL OF SHIT! So, which is it? Offensive, as you say it is to your children and parents, or is it a genuinely warm greeting of a stranger?

You can't have it both ways, dude. You can't be inspired by the dialogue on racism on one hand and calling your brothers niggers out of the other side of your mouth. That's just blatant hypocrisy. If you want to put an end to racism, if you'd like to eliminate these words from the collective vocabulary, then lead by example.

Or, get a sense of humor.

Illegal Immigrant Scamnesty

A political savant I'm not. But I am savvy enough to know that when George Dubya and the raging lush from Massachusetts agree on something, it can't be good, or even rational.

Per the Associated Press:

WASHINGTON - Key senators in both parties and the White House announced agreement Thursday on an immigration overhaul that would grant quick legal status to millions of illegal immigrants already in the U.S. and fortify the border.

The plan would create a temporary worker program to bring new arrivals to the U.S and a separate program to cover agricultural workers. Skills and education-level would for the first time be weighted over family connections in deciding whether future immigrants should get permanent legal status. New high-tech employment verification measures also would be instituted to ensure that workers are here legally.

The compromise came after weeks of painstaking closed-door negotiations that brought the most liberal Democrats and the most conservative Republicans together with President Bush's Cabinet officers to produce a highly complex measure that carries heavy political consequences.

Painstaking compromise? I'm quite sure the only discomfort was derived from the delay to Mr. Kennedy's "Happy Hour." So, let's read on and see what ole Georgie-boy had to say about the consensus:

Bush praises deal
Bush called it "a much-needed solution to the problem of illegal immigration in this country" and said, if approved, the proposal "delivers an immigration system that is secure, productive, orderly and fair."

"With this bipartisan agreement, I am confident leaders in Washington can have a serious, civil and conclusive debate so I can sign comprehensive reform into law this year," he said in a written statement Thursday.

I may be a bit slow at times, but where exactly is the "much-needed solution?" From my perspective it appears as though the United States government has examined its options and decided that the best possible solution to this "immigration problem" is simply to turn its collective head. The ostrich-style of government has reared its ugly head once again in DC.

So, the only Kennedy brother who wasn't shot, and perhaps should have been, says:

Sen. Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts, his party's lead negotiator on the deal, hailed it as "the best possible chance we will have in years to secure our borders and bring millions of people out of the shadows and into the sunshine of America."

"Sunshine into America?" Pull your head out of your ass, Mr. Kennedy, and you may realize that it's not nearly as dark as you perceive it.

Screw you:

1.) Arnold Schwarzenegger for all of your belly-aching and whining about the "illegal immigrant problem." California is the American equivalent of Quebec. "We can't fix it on our own. We're too weak and stupid. Please bail us out so we can screw over the rest of the country." By the way, can you provide documentation that you are, in fact, a legal resident of this country?

2.) Wealthy people who can afford to pay a decent wage to the LEGAL immigrants, residents and citizens of this country. You contribute to this problem more than any other identifiable group. You encourage illegal immigration and contribute to the strain on health care, education and other social programs for the betterment of your own bottom line. Once again, the good of the few outweighs the benefit of the many. But, please, for the sake of my own sanity, don't misrepresent yourself on national TV, claiming to be a part of the solution. Your efforts to protect our borders with the installation of an eight foot chain link fence, with occasional patrols of your property with your trusty 12-gauge, are futile. An immigrant without climbing skills is still residing in Mexico.

3.) Washington for proposing the most impotent of legislation to address this situation. Exactly how will this be implemented? The Department of Homeland Security has been completely ineffectual at border protection. New laws will only bog down the bureaucracy even further. Illegal immigrants have no respect for U.S. law. That's why they're called "illegals." Where is the rationale that there will be any obedience to new immigration regulation?

4.) Mexicans for your complete and utter disrespect of the law-abiding U.S. citizens and residents. Screw you for thinking that you are above the laws of this country. I am a legal resident of this country. I paid my dues and, when it was all said and done, it ultimately cost me $5000. I pay an outrageous amount of my income to the U.S. government in the form of taxation which only results in asinine legislation like this. I'm subsidizing your lazy asses and I am bitter. If you'd just stop sending your money back to your homeland, you might have enough to file the appropriate documents and stop sucking this country dry.

5.) Mexico for maintaining such deplorable living conditions that your citizens have no alternative but to flee north. You have benefited immensely from NAFTA, and yet have done nothing to improve the standard of living in your country. Get your shit together, clean up your act, take responsibility for your own citizens so the rest of North America doesn't have to.

I think it may be time to return to the Great White North.

Conditioning or Dependency?

Are you a "Morning Person" or an "Evening Person?" I've come to the conclusion that, while I enjoy the peace and solitude of the wee hours of the morning, consistently arising before dawn SUCKS! The only person that needs to be alert at this time of day is the Dunken Donuts dude. After all, it is time to make the donuts.

Now that I've joined the ranks of the working stiff majority, pulling the Monday through Friday 8 to 5 shifts, why does my body still insist that I keep crappy coffee-shop hours? Where's the logic in that? What the hell am I supposed to do between 4 and 8 am? And when the hell am I going to stay awake past 8:30 pm? Just once, I'd like to see an entire episode of South Park. Yes, I've seen them all a million times, but they still make me laugh.

Two decades ago, during bouts of insomnia, all I had to do was grab a blanket and pillow, turn on the Masters or some other PGA tournament, and I was out like a light. Ten years ago, I became accustomed to being lulled to sleep by A&E's Bill Curtis and his soothing, dulcet tones. And then when Peter Jackson released his Lord of the Rings trilogy, I found comfort and much needed rest as soon as the beginning credits rolled. But, then I took that stinkin' job and was ultimately inured to commence drooling and/or snoring instantaneously upon hearing the bass-line to the South Park theme.

The love affair with Matt and Trey is dead. God-damn you, *$s, for ruining my life!

Carpet Diem!

What's the only thing better than Christmas morning when you're five years old?

The day you get new carpet when you're thirty-some-odd years older.

Welcome "Charming Warm Honey" Berber, so long dogshit-stained-used-to-be-white-now-its-black-dirty-smelly-thirty-year-old Frieze! And take that awful under pad with you! Y'know, the one that has been disintegrating since we moved in, creating pounds of dust and particulate that has been clogging up my lungs and making it appear as though I'm not prolific in my maidly duties. And good riddance!

See ya squeaky floors. I know it was the builder's (the dude who wouldn't know square if it walked up and bit his penis off!) oversight that caused you to make it near impossible to sneak up on the hubby to scare the beejeezus out of him (it couldn't possibly be our ever-increasing body mass that makes you groan like a dying animal wrything in pain), but you're just damn irritating. Neenja, the Screw Gun Warrior, is well armed and has plenty of ammo to see to it that you never return. Neenja, *swoon* my hero!

I relish the day that I can return to my sanctuary when my olfactory senses are not grossly offended by the smell of dog ass and unwashed feet. Though I've dreamed about this day for many a moon, it's bittersweet. It's inevitable that Norm will eventually consume something that just does not agree with his digestive system and become a root beer dispenser in the living room. My pristine new carpet will eventually be baptized by my IBS-suffering canine poop machine. And Kitty, I'm sure, is very excited at the prospect of 1000 square foot scratch-pad. Charming Warm Honey will ultimately become Not-So-Charming, Not-So-Honey.

But I can enjoy the newness for at least one day - Carpet Diem!

Organs For Sale

For Sale: One complete set of female reproductive organs. In good working order. May cause moodiness and/or depression. Asking five bucks. Call fee-fie-fo-fee-fi-fo-fo and ask for miserable bitch.

It's Not News 2.0

I believe I covered this, but I am willing to risk redundancy. I can always fall back on the genetic excuse of Alzheimer's.

David Hasselhoff's vignette of a raging alcoholic IS NOT NEWS. Well, it might be in Germany, but who the hell cares about Germany? It's not even entertaining to watch. It's one step shy of witnessing a train wreck, but this clip ends on a much more pleasant note - there is no vomitus of the burger he seemed to enjoy so much in his drunken stupor.

I'm quite positive that the distribution of this video wasn't to make Mr. Bay Watch look incredibly bad. My spidey senses insinuate that Wendy's PR department floated it out to Fox News (now there's an oxymoron!) to peddle their line of consumables to a whole new niche market - the post-bender crowd.

Perhaps Mr. Hasselhoff was playing the Keloland Drinking Game?