The Keloland Drinking Game

If you had the patience to muddle through my previous post you may have noticed the excess use of the term "Keloland." I will admit that, during my short tenure in this state, I have been conditioned to refer to the geographical area that KELO-TV serves as such. Each time I hear it I roll my eyes and force back down the bile that rises in my throat. But, you can't get away from it. I swear, it's like herpes. Just when you think it's gone away, it flares up in the most painful and irritating way.

I have surreptitiously devised a way to keep the vomit-level minimized during the news broadcasts that my significant other forces me to endure, all in the name of the weather report. (I think he may secretly have a "thing" for Don Jorgenson, but that's a whole other story.) I have come to the conclusion that the only way to tolerate these 30-minute segments of pure anti-intellectual garbage is with large doses of alcohol.

The rules are simple: Every time you hear the term "Keloland" you must consume an ounce of your preferred alcoholic beverage. I had to put a limit on the consumption level to avoid certain cirrhosis of the liver. That, and I wouldn't want to be held accountable for some college student's binge-drinking death .

The last time I played this game, the final tally was 58 uses of the word. That's close to one drink every 30 seconds. Talk about a buzz! I, myself, have never made it past the first ten minutes of each broadcast for fear of alcohol poisoning. I don't think my health insurance provider covers that condition.

To all my friends and family that I have left back in the Great White North: There's not much to see or do here, but I extend an open invitation to all to visit and participate in this uniquely South Dakota ritual. But, please bring lots of beer. American beer is like sex in a canoe - too close to water.

The Eye in the Sky

It will never cease to amaze me how many thousands of dollars this local South Dakota station budgets for its weather department annually, and just how under-utilized that money really is.

Now, don't get me wrong. The on-air meteorologists actually do have personalities, more so than their newsroom counterparts, and a genuine passion for their chosen field. South Dakota, after all, is considered part of Tornado Alley, and when the atmosphere gets itself all riled up, these men follow suit like it's Armageddon. They get so excited that it's difficult, as a viewer, to not get caught up in the drama of it all. Prime time is pre-empted for live shots of "Keloland Live Doppler Radar" and "Vipir" views. Those who, I assume, choose the short straws, are out in "Dorothy," (yes, I know it's cliche to steal a vehicle name from a movie, but they are chasing "Twister"s) KELO's mobile radar-equipped vehicle, calling in reports every quarter hour. Here's a thought, guys: Try a video link-up.

While you can tell that most of these guys were, at some point in their lives, what the rest of us would call "nerds" or "geeks" or "pencil-necks", Shawn Cable is a hottie. No question about that. And the dude can sing! I don't understand why he hasn't been gobbled up by the networks yet. He can't love this state that much, can he? But, I digress...

The guy who crunches the numbers for Young Broadcasting is allocating a butt-load of cash for this particular department and some dumb-ass is using it to purchase cameras to position atop towers throughout the state. Ok. Not such a ridiculous idea, unless you live or have ever visited this great state. There's NOTHING TO SEE HERE, folks. Move along.

A great idea get worse from there. Where are they placing these "Keloland Sky Cams?" At "strategic points" throughout the state, i.e. the two interstates that traverse South Dakota, and of course, THE MALL! Yes, the mall is located at the most travelled intersection of the state (which, at rush hour, is more like, for my Canadian friends, the corner of Yonge and Queen at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday), but, still, why there? South Dakota is an agriculturally-based state, so what relevance does the mall have to the farmers that support its economy? Would they not be better served by positioning these cameras in their fields so they can keep an eye on their corn and cattle? It seems to me that this television station is positioning itself for the future, laying all the groundwork for a traffic department in a state that has fewer residents than the city of San Jose, CA - a measely 10.2 people per square mile in SD compared to 5118/sm in San Jose. Traffic congestion in South Dakota? Dude, you're about 200 years ahead of the rest of us.

And then it gets even worse. It seems to me the only times these strategically positioned Sky Cams are utilized are:

1. long before sunrise and
2. long after sunset.

I question the purpose of displaying a view of darkness interspersed with tiny points of light during a weather forecast. Is this Shawn's way of predicting the obvious? I can just hear him saying:

"Let's go to Keloland's Sky Cam at the mall. Looks like today in Keloland we'll have a 100 percent chance of darkness. But, hey, lucky for you folks out there on your way to work, we have a 100 percent chance of light starting at about 7 this morning, just in time for your drive into the office."

Unfortunately, despite all of their technologically advanced weather-prognosticating tools, the Sky Cams are the only means for which the Keloland weather team can precisely predict the future.

The Timmy Button

Staples® has the Easy Button^SM

Noobers has the Timmy Button^RM

Thanks to mass-merchandising, Matt and Trey's overwhelming sense of greed and Neeners uncanny ability to find my THE PERFECT gift, I have the power to, with the touch of one tiny button, let my opinion of everyone's lack of intelligence be heard. Clammers of "T-t-t-immmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-ay," "Timah," and "Lib-eeeeeeeeeeeee-lau-lib-eee-luaaaaaaaaaaaah Timmay," resound.

Hark the herald figurine sings,
Glory to my newfound thing.

Again, I reiterate my stance that I am not mocking the disabled. Timmy is of superior intellect and I rely on him quite often for guidance. It is truly unfortunate that the rest of us can't learn to communicate so much with so very little effort.

Don't be surprised if you hear that reply to your inane question. Timmy calls 'em like he sees 'em, too.

WRONG, I say!

Precipitation in the form of white, fluffy, crystalline structures is WRONG, particularly in April. Wrong as in unacceptable, unwelcome, unsolicited, un-spring-like.

The only times that snow is acceptable are as follows:

1. Christmas Eve - sorry to all the non-Christian folk out there if this statement offends you. I know how uber-sensitive you've become, thanks to retards like Al Sharp-tongue, Jesse Jackass, Osama Bin PlanningAnotherBigTerroristAttack, but JESUS! I'm referring to snow here! (Author's note: I humbly apologize if I have inadvertently offended the genuinely handicapped with the implied association to the aforementioned retards. It is not my intention to make fun of retarded people, just to offend those who demonstrate consistently retarded behaviors.) and

2. Monday morning, or any other morning, when you wake up and don't feel up to dealing with retards all day just to keep a roof over your head and food in your big, fat bellay.

The silver lining to all of this white stuff? The robin, the epitome of the arrival of spring in my geographical area, is forced to lose some weight. It seems that this "epidemic" of obesity does not discriminate against any form of species. It amazes me that these birds can actually fly!

I hereby tender a new moniker for these fat bastards: Robin Big Breasts

All in favor, say "aye!"

It's Not News

The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter is not news. Her death isn't really even newsworthy. Paris Hilton being arrested for DUI is not noteworthy either. Nor is the amount of money Mrs. Bill has raised to date in her run for the presidency. A White House Press Secretary with cancer is not news. The bitch-fest between Geraldo and O'Reilly isn't really news either. Rosie O'verweight's slams against anyone and anything on "The View" aren't worthy of headlines or the hours of airtime and attention she's received on Fox News.

However...

If Geraldo had pulled out a semi-automatic and placed a bullet right between Bill's beady little eyes, or vice versa for that matter, now THAT would be news.

Ho is Me

I do hope that the women of Rutgers enjoy their proverbial 15 minutes, because I for one CANNOT wait until it's over. I'm tired of the double-standards, fed up with the hypocrisy and had more than enough of Al Sharpton to last more than 1000 lifetimes.

Al, Crimson Knights, Imus et al: I invite you to find a nice, dark room, turn on the CD player and crank 'er up to 11. Give the good ole Eagles "Get Over It" a listen...closely!

I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little fingers ar everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat
Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven't been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, Get over it

It's like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child and kick its little ass

Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it


Ladies, you dropped the ball (pun intended). You blew the perfect opportunity to stand, united, proud and strong, face the media, the critics, the cynics and the generally misinformed and succinctly state:

"Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names will never hurt us."

Now you're victims, "scarred" for life. I don't see how your chosen stance will advance the cause of women world wide as you lie down, weeping and wailing your woe-is-me tale. What do the rest of us get out of it? Oprah's Book of the Month and a made-for-tv movie?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Get over it!

Mind Yer Manners, Dammit!

What is it with you "Generation-Y" putz-like individuals, anyhoo? Is it not enough that the rest of us must repeatedly explain things because you collectively lack common sense and are void of analytical skills? From where did you derive your holier-than-thou attitudes and assume that the world owes you something? What the hell have you ever contributed to society, aside from that pile of puke you left on the sidewalk in front of your friend's parents' house last weekend? I would be much more tolerant of your aforementioned faults, and the many others I choose not to outline as I would ultimately waste much of my own life doing so, if you would all just learn one simple phrase: "You're welcome." Say it with me now. You're welcome. One more time. You're welcome.

Here's a quick course in manners for you: When I say, "Thank you," you say, "You're welcome."

Easy enough, right? So, why do these two words escape you so consistently, only to be replaced by, "Uh huh," or "UmHm" or, the most frustrating of all, silence in conjunction with an empty stare? If you demonstrated even a glimmer of confusion in your eyes, I would know that there's something going on between your ears. But, alas, you disappoint me once again.

Are you that fucking lazy that you can't exert the effort to expel these words from your mouth? Or, was it all that Ritalin your mother forced down your throat during your pre-adolescent years because she was too lazy to discipline you that caused irreversible damage to the part of your brain responsible for following societal protocol?

Etiquette, folks. Google it. You might just learn something.

And, while I'm at it, there is no "t" in across. It is not "uh-krawst." It is pronounced "uh-kraws." As in, when will I ever get my point across that there is no "t" in the word "across?"