The bain of my existance the past couple of days has been CHRONIC POOPAY PANTIES. (Insert cringe here.) I am sure that, given the current state of affairs between my stomach and anus, I am solely supporting the entire Bathroom Tissue Market. (You are most welcome, Scott Paper Products!) Though the intestinal opus is highly entertaining for both my significant other and me, the gut-wrenching cramps are a killjoy all on their own, and the time intervals between "deposits" are shrinking rapidly. I am beyond Immodium. I need a CORK!
So, the dude I see, who spent eight freakin' years pursuing a post-secondary education and calls himself a "medical professional," naively inquires about my caffeine consumption. "Caffeine is a stimulant," he says. No shit, Doc SuperGenius! Why the hell do ya think I drink it? I mean, besides the fact that I am addicted to it.
But, it does make me wonder...Could my past position with one of the world's largest purveyors of overpriced, over-roasted and over-rated coffee be the culprit of my intestinal infirmity? I reside in the most litigious country in the world, so I wonder...could I sue the poop outta them for squeezing all the poop outta me? I think I could score at least a mill for the pain and suffering alone!
Maybe I won't need that job after all.
So, the dude I see, who spent eight freakin' years pursuing a post-secondary education and calls himself a "medical professional," naively inquires about my caffeine consumption. "Caffeine is a stimulant," he says. No shit, Doc SuperGenius! Why the hell do ya think I drink it? I mean, besides the fact that I am addicted to it.
But, it does make me wonder...Could my past position with one of the world's largest purveyors of overpriced, over-roasted and over-rated coffee be the culprit of my intestinal infirmity? I reside in the most litigious country in the world, so I wonder...could I sue the poop outta them for squeezing all the poop outta me? I think I could score at least a mill for the pain and suffering alone!
Maybe I won't need that job after all.
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